Thursday, December 31, 2009

Loneliness - the Entity

Yawning abyss - that black hole in your soul
like a gaping wound you try to stanch the flow
of hope and dreams
escaping your grasping fingers
as you wrap your arms tighter around your heart
Big black hole - like a ravenous mouth eating at your heart
hungry for more
hungry for your soul 
you alone stand to battle
with bare hands
against the dragon of your very being - your  own creation
the dragon's mouth the yawning abyss
the fire inside
the fear
the fear
You stand in that big empty black cave
no sound but the insistent  plop of the distant water
or blood. . .
Your ears strain to catch the sound
of happy voices
even one sad cry. . .
where are you . . . where are you - anyone?
No one is there but you alone
trying to appease the dragon inside you. . .
you inside the dragon

Is it love that contains you there 
ensnaring you behind the sharp teeth
like prison bars
dripping with poison and contempt?

Is it hate that embraces you with skeletal arms
enshrouding you in its violence
its hatred sneering at your tears.

No one to hold your hand and walk your walk
No one to hear your words and share the talk
Oh - God am I the only one
the only one
so alone
so cold
I hope so
for the pain is too great to bear
the heart wrenches itself from the breast
and tries to escape
with its life-giving rhythm
like a precious jewel
falling away and lost forever.

I pull myself together wiping away my tears
put some color on my pale cheeks
Put a big smile on my face
Don't forget the crinkle and twinkle in my eyes -

and go out to meet my friends
in the places of light and sound
I too can laugh and play
always being the clown
They love me there
hugs and kisses
in that world

But still -      NO ONE is in that hellish place with me
No knights in shining armor - nothing - 
No life raft to float me away - nothing
No big shiny happy ever after ending - nothing
No rescue from the burning building - and again I say - nothing. . .

So - I turn inward
and thus I am truly lost. . .

This one came streaming out of me like the crystal stream my sister and I found once - pouring out from under an old tree in the beautiful wilderness of Eagle Creek - where we hiked for days and slept under the open sky and saw such heavenly beauty that it is indescribable. Perhaps the dark ugly stories are sometimes easier to explain.

Joy and Peace for all of 2010!

No comments: